I've never had a clear idea of what I wanted to be or what I wanted to do with my life. The closest I came was wanting to marry and have kids and be a stay at home mom. Well, I am now nearing 36 and those things never happened. I suppose they could still, but it's highly unlikely. Other than that, there has never been anything I have been truly passionate about. There are things I have loved, such as being girly, shoes, dresses, vintage items, reading, writing, swing dancing, singing...... but there hasn't been anything that I am truly passionate about that would make me money.
This lack of passion is a continuing theme in my life. I graduated from University with a degree in Applied Studies with an emphasis in Christian Education. This translates into "I couldn't decide on a major but most of my classes revolved around christian counseling, youth ministry, and theology". But, at least I have a degree. Or so I'm told. I also have a large amount of student loans. Yay me.......
The last 10 years have been an absolute roller coaster. I've lived with my mom, had my own apartment, lived with my dad, had my own apartment, tried several different lines of work and internships, been unemployed, went through bankruptcy.... And then a year ago June I was finally hired on at a daycare 30 minutes from my home, that I live in with my mom. Thus begun another round of trying to achieve the American Dream.
All of my adult life I have dreamed of getting away. I think a lot of people can empathize. We do what we are "supposed" to. We get up, commute to work at a job most of us don't like, to make money that, in my case and the case of so many others, is barely enough to keep creditors at bay, "food" on the table, a roof over our head and gas in the tank. And some of us don't even have that.
I get up at 6am every morning to get ready, pack my lunch and drive 30 minutes to a job where I make minimum wage for a position that should earn more. We are entrusted with children's lives, safety and well being and charged with teaching them all day everyday, and we make minimum wage. The abuse we take sometimes.....I have been hit, kicked, punched, spit on, screamed profanity at, scratched and bit. If I didn't go to the chiropractor on a regular basis, I would not be able to work from the abuse I have received from some of these children. I work all day to drive another 30 minutes home, run errands, do chores, eat and sleep. Then I have to get up and do again the next day. This life is a drain on my soul. I long to write. I long to see places and meet people. I long to have time to find out what I am passionate about. I long to have the chance to meet a special man and fall in love.
Yes, I am fortunate to have a job. Yes, I am fortunate to work M-F. Yes, I am fortunate to have benefits. Yes, I am fortunate to have a car and a home and food on the table. I am aware of these things and I am thankful.
I am thankful, but I cannot keep doing this forever. I need an exit strategy.....
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